I’d kill myself if just death didn’t seem even more boring and pointless then life…
So ya me I am back to being medicated as I was spiralling down more and more since the start of the year… Ergo going even more quiet. Right now honestly I still feel like all I am doing with my life is killing time till I expire. Yeah it’s a shitty way to think…
Anyway I am medicated (not happy with the ones I am on so far), I am seeing someone (blah blah yadda yadda, yes they are a professional at the rate they charge they want to be) and no I am not going to do anything stupid per say…
Damaged goods… PTSD… The understanding that I really don’t have it that bad but that doesn’t make it any better. I have spent my entire life trying to ensure that people don’t see me. Because I am ashamed of me. I am wrong… broken… long before the PTSD… or the other stuff… I live a lie it seems a cruel jape or cosmic joke. Something got wired wrong the body doesn’t match the brain it seems… But it was wrong and bad and I put it away and I got on with what I was meant to do.
Now I don’t now if that is a lie or the truth… Who am I. Why do I think I am wrong… when did I start to feel this way… Am I just trying to mess my life up… do I really hate myself so bad. Yes I do, but I don’t know if anything can change that. So why do I go on… I just do, there are people that I care for that would be hurt if I didn’t I guess…. and round and round we go.
I’m just tired… I’ll never be that dream… so what do I do… it’s times like this I wish…
Playing to much League of Legends (some what addicted…. I blame three certain people for this - summoner name: Creveal).
Currently sick and it’s getting me down or down and it’s making me sick. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which way it is. :(
Not sure what else to say, this whole family thing now that partner and her kids moved in is taking some getting use to. Thankfully the kids don’t really seem to care what I wear and I’ve keep it fairly tame I guess.
Things I should do:
See gender therapist
Get face lasered
Things I will do:
Be a slack arse
Play to much Lol, WoT, SWTOR (occassionaly), XCOM and well you get the point
Funny really given all the people in this house now I still feel pretty lonely.