Happy joy joy..
Happy joy joy..
Damaged goods… PTSD… The understanding that I really don’t have it that bad but that doesn’t make it any better. I have spent my entire life trying to ensure that people don’t see me. Because I am ashamed of me. I am wrong… broken… long before the PTSD… or the other stuff… I live a lie it seems a cruel jape or cosmic joke. Something got wired wrong the body doesn’t match the brain it seems… But it was wrong and bad and I put it away and I got on with what I was meant to do.
Now I don’t now if that is a lie or the truth… Who am I. Why do I think I am wrong… when did I start to feel this way… Am I just trying to mess my life up… do I really hate myself so bad. Yes I do, but I don’t know if anything can change that. So why do I go on… I just do, there are people that I care for that would be hurt if I didn’t I guess…. and round and round we go.
I’m just tired… I’ll never be that dream… so what do I do… it’s times like this I wish…
I’ve had three out of the last four weeks off work due to flu like illness… oh fucking joy. Anyway… bitch and moan… whatever it’s really starting to get me down and I’m stressing about impacts on job…
Just not very interactive with the world at the moment…. eh time to sleep.
James Getting Away With It All (All Messed Up) Album Version (by Themis711)
I hadn’t this song in so long and today it just turned up and said hey… remember me. Heh are you aching??
Playing to much League of Legends (some what addicted…. I blame three certain people for this - summoner name: Creveal).
Currently sick and it’s getting me down or down and it’s making me sick. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which way it is. :(
Not sure what else to say, this whole family thing now that partner and her kids moved in is taking some getting use to. Thankfully the kids don’t really seem to care what I wear and I’ve keep it fairly tame I guess.
Things I should do:
Things I will do:
Funny really given all the people in this house now I still feel pretty lonely.
Peace love and meh!!
Universally speaking you’re nothing.
You’niversally speaking you’re gravity.
That website is not what it use to be… lol but then it was a very long time ago. Removed due to flogging a dead horse.
I’ve not been saying very much lately because well frankly I just feel like all I have to say is negative… Am really starting to wonder if I need to go back on medication. I really don’t want to… I hated it before and I’ve been off for 2 years and thought I was doing ok…. :(
I have little to no sense of joy in my life. I’m alive out of a sense of duty. My whole life I have done my duty, done what is expected of me, been responsible.
I play computer games to forget…
I look for Masochistic play from my partner because the physical pain can mask the mental for awhile…
I’m stuck it seems unsure or unable to move forward and with no true understanding of where I want to go.
I want things that can only happen in a fantasy world and I don’t know what I want that could happen in reality.
I’m having a bad day :(
I don’t want to kill myself at least cause that just seems pointless too lol.